Stefan & Holly

Facebook freaks me out sometimes. It is so so weird to get friend requests from people back in high school – those days touched by teenage angst – it’s amazing we all grew up and mellowed out. I’ve sent a few friend requests to some old high school acquaintances – people I liked but we didn’t hang out in the same circles – and I’ve gotten nothing but positive responses. It makes me wonder if maybe I was liked after all.

I didn’t think very much of myself in high school, so I guess the positive reactions I’m getting now are taking me by surprise.

One thing I wonder about a lot is how Facebook is going to change the generations. People are finding each other, reconnecting, some form great relationships, while the rest of us remain loosely connected. We are all going to grow up together, marry each other, have families and talk about our kids to each other, grow old together, get sick together and eventually die together. No one ever has to be alone again.

It’s a funky little support system, a virtual web of comradery, commissary and support. We will congratulate each other on life’s milestones and grieve together on the losses. The wounds we suffered early on in life may actually be salved with closure in a way we’ve never been able to have before. Time has a way of changing us all, and most of us change for the better. Facebook will capture the individual journey we are all on and share it with everyone. It’s better than a time capsule and it freaks me out a bit. But in a good way.

Our Chihuahua, Perry, is overweight. Now, I realize this is mostly our fault. We didn’t feed him from the table, but we did leave the food bowls down all night, and we think because he has emotional issues, he’s somewhat of an emotional eater.

When I look back over the years, I’m pretty sure I know what caused his emotional distress. First, he was playing around with his “brother” Cubby when his collar got hooked on Cubby’s teeth and Perry almost choked to death. Then, several months later, he got bit by an infected tick and almost died again. His kidneys had begun to shut down. A few months after that, he witnessed his brother Cubby kill the family cat. Perry always was a sensitive dog. We had to get rid of Cubby, who was Perry’s best friend. We got Dunkin to fill the hole that Cubby made (and the cat too), but Dunkin was not the same creature as Cubby, and for two years, Dunkin ruled the other dogs under a tyrant’s rein.

Now Perry is about 3 pounds overweight, which is quite a bit for a little dog. We feel badly that he has been as depressed and distressed as he’s been. Even with switching to diet dog food, the poundage has not come off. I think he’s just not exercising enough. He got out of the habit of playing when Dunkin came into the picture. Dunkin didn’t like to share the toys and was a bit aggressive when it came to playing fetch. So, Perry has become a stone that gathers moss.

We recently decided to start taking him for walks. Our first walk was yesterday after work, and I have never seen Perry so happy and excited as when we cut through a field to walk in an adjacent neighborhood. He was pulling and tugging on the leash, running in circles, with a big grin on his face. He didn’t really notice how winded he was.

This morning, as I was getting ready to head out the door, Perry was there waiting for me. I tried to shoo him back, but he was too quick and the moment I opened the door, he darted out. Now this is extremely unusual – all the dogs know not to run out the door when we go somewhere. Perry dashed down the steps and started heading down the driveway. I had to call and coax him back inside and he was extremely reluctant to do so, which is also extremely unusual for him. Usually he’s more than eager to please and do whatever I say.

Now I wonder what kind of monster we have just created merely by introducing the big outdoors to him in an effort to get him excited about life while helping him lose weight!

Dunkin dumped us this weekend. He left us for another family.

I say this mildly tongue-in-cheek.

We’d been discussing the possibility of re-homing Dunkin, our Pomeranian, for a while now. The biggest problem we had with him is that he was always trying to be the Alpha male, and we already have an Alpha male: Yoda. Dunkin believed he owned everything he saw. He would chase squirrels and even birds out of the yard. He’d bark at birds roosting in the trees. He horded the toys and treats. He’d wolf down his treats so fast just so he could try and steal one of the other dog’s treats before they had a chance to eat them. Whenever we tried to pet one dog, Dunkin would bully his way in to get attention. He wanted to be where the action was all the time. The other dogs couldn’t relax with him around because he’d always be there.

It’s been a rough journey with Dunkin. He’s embarrassing to take to the vets, because he barks, growls, and snarls at everyone else in the waiting room. He’s extremely protective that way. Both of us didn’t really like him, the other dogs didn’t really like him, but we still loved him. He didn’t really fit in with us. He tried. Oh, he tried. But it was like we just couldn’t understand each other for very long.

We began talking about re-homing him more as a fantasy than a reality. Then as we continued to talk about it, we began to feel more comfortable with the idea, so long as we could find him a suitable home. Still, I don’t think either of us wanted to actually take that first step. It meant going down a path neither of us had been. Would we miss him? Would we regret giving him away? What if we’d failed him and that’s why his behavior was so bad? Were we bad parents to even contemplate the idea?

Stefan casually mentioned to one of our friends that we were thinking of re-homing Dunkin. His wife, in the background yelled, “We’ll take him!” and suddenly, everything clicked into place. They had a lovely townhome with a large, fenced in yard and two boys. Their kids would love him. We told them all his faults, but they weren’t fazed. Again, they have two boys. Nothing fazes them.

So we took him down this weekend for a trial run. They’d just gotten a puppy the week before (too good of a deal to pass up, they said), so everyone’s main concern was making sure Dunkin and the puppy got along. It was a little bit of a rough landing at first, because the puppy has no boundaries yet and doesn’t have any dog social skills. Our next concern was the cat. Would Dunkin terrorize their cat? He did chase it twice. We called him off the first time, but the second time he chased it upstairs and then we all heard a yelp and Dunkin came back down. The cat held her ground and gave him what’s what. Later that evening, Dunkin was lying by the couch; the cat sneaked up behind it and gave Dunkin a good swat to really get her point across.

The couple we gave him to has a very friendly lifestyle. Friends drop by unannounced all the time. Kids hang out there all the time. It’s chaotic and noisy and something is always going on. Their three year old had a blast playing fetch with Dunkin. And he even barked at someone who dropped by the house. I had to call him off because he was scaring the guy. Stefan and Eric had gone to the store, so it was just me and Laura at the house. That little fluffball scared a grown man. I sat there as Dunkin watched Laura, asking her what he should do. He didn’t ask me. He asked her. It was like he knew who he belonged to.

The guys threw around a football for a while and Dunkin was in dog heaven, playing monkey in the middle. Not that he could actually make off with a football, but it was pretty funny to watch. He seemed to be having the time of his life. Later, as we all were watching a movie, we saw bags under his eyes. Normally he sleeps all day. But today, not only was he awake, he was on the run the whole time. So much to see, so much to do, so much to protect!

By the time we left, he’d already claimed this family as his own. He no longer listened to us. I think our parting was much harder on us than it was on him.

I do feel like we broke up, though. I guess, much to my surprise, he was as unhappy as we were. I didn’t know that was possible.

Already in this short time, there has been an amazing transformation in our dogs. Perry actually played fetch for the first time since we got Dunkin. Dunkin is just so fast and bullyish that fetch was not fun for Perry. None of the dogs could play in peace. Now they can sprawl out and not get pounced. They can eat in peace. We’re curious to see if Perry will start losing weight. We had no idea to what extent Dunkin had been an oppressive tyrant to them.

We went to the store yesterday and when we came back, I said to Stefan, “Do you hear that?” He listened and said, “I don’t hear anything.” I said, “Exactly. There is nothing to hear!” Normally, coming home is a complete bark-fest. But this time, with no Dunkin getting the others wound up, not a single one of them uttered even a bark. The other dogs seem so much more relaxed and happy. Everyone’s happy. And I cannot get over how quiet the house is now. That dog has a ton of life force.

This was one of the hardest decisions we’ve had to make. It’s so hard to let go sometimes and just admit that things aren’t working. But I am glad we made the leap into the unknown. It’s going to make the next leap that much easier.

I just read that in conjunction with a law that mandates all vehicles to achieve 35 miles per gallon by 2016, they will also have to meet new emissions standards.

At first glance, this sounds like good news. It’s good to know that any new vehicle will get at least 35 mpg. That’s a lot of mileage. And it sounds good that we’re concerned about greenhouse gas emissions. The rest of the country is finally going to get caught up with California.

BUT…I believe there are HUGE financial ramifications for these new standards.

Consider, for instance, I just bought a Hyundai Accent. It tops out at about 33 mpg, so by 2016, which is not that far off, the value of my car is going to drop to about zero. Who is going to want to buy a vehicle that gets less than the new standard miles per gallon? Ummm…nobody. Now throw in the fact that the car will not meet the new emissions standards. I’ll have to junk the car.

Also consider knowing that these standards are coming down the pike, who is going to buy a new car in 2015? 2014? How many people will put off buying a new car for a few years? How will this affect the already troubled auto industry?

Stefan’s truck is a Nissan Titan. Nissan announced they are discontinuing the Titan line due to poor sales. We had planned on keeping and driving the truck into the ground. We’re 2 years into the loan and soon will be more upside down than we already are since this news has come out. Ten years from now, we won’t be able to find replacement parts for it. That’s a butt-load of money down the drain. It might be time to cut our losses on this one.

That’s the other thing I don’t get. When did vehicles get so expensive?? We had a chance to ride in a BMW 5-series this weekend. As we sank back into the blissful leather-wrapped seat of luxury, Stefan asked how much the car retails for. The answer? About $40k. The first words out of my mouth were, “Oh, that’s not bad at all.”

Then reality sunk in a little. $40k for a car isn’t bad, considering a just-over-base model Ford or Hyundai will run you $20k. You can max out the bells and whistles for about $25k on a low-end model vehicle. In comparison, the ultimate driving machine doesn’t sound so pricey. But if you stop to think that if you want a low-end base model vehicle that has some safety features and power windows, you’re looking at about 20k, you start to sober up. Gone are the days when you can get a new car for $9k. Finding one for $15k is a stretch. Case in point: my little Accent is a 2-door hatchback, stick-shift. Yes, I’ve greatly limited my resale value for this car by only having 2 doors and a stick. But I wanted to stay within my budget and felt that splurging on ABS brakes and power windows was a trade-off I was willing to make to stay in budget. I figure I’ll have put too many miles on it for anyone to want it by 2016 anyway.

Hopefully they won’t discontinue the Accent before then.

Knowing that you are getting laid off/replaced by someone in India definitely is an emotional rollercoaster ride. I was just talking to some of the other ladies I work with, and one of them whose husband has been out of work since January asked me point-blank, “Is your husband depressed?”

And I said, yeah, I would say he is. I asked if hers was, and she answered in the positive. She said he has days where he’s gung-ho and fired up that his alternative energy small business is going to be the answer to his existence, and he calls up all his contacts and he really makes strides to set up lunch meetings and get his small business off the ground. Then, when Monday rolls around and no one has called him back, he gets depressed and starts doubting himself, his abilities as a small business person, and life in general.

The other woman chimed in and commented on how being out of work is such an up-and-down emotional ride. One day you’re up, the next you’re down; you cannot rely upon your emotional state at all. On one hand, it made me feel better to know that what we are experiencing is within the realm of normal. On the other hand, I thought, “How in the heck do we make any kind of decision if we cannot rely upon our emotional state? And how can we quell the waves of emotion so we can come to a decision that is best for us?”

I know everyone says that you should not define yourself by what you do for a living, but I’m beginning to think that is just all pie-in-the-sky fluffy pillow-talk. The bottom line is, we ARE defined by what we do. It’s as simple as that. If we are not defined by what we do during the hours of 9 to 5, then anyone who is unemployed or laid off or cannot work would not be on this emotional rollercoaster. Right? It wouldn’t bother us. We wouldn’t flounder about when that definition of who we are is stripped away.

It seems to me that we define ourselves by our monetary capabilities. If what you’re doing does not bring in money, then what you are doing is not who you are. At best, you’re a wannabe. The problem with being a wannabe is that whether you become a Somebody is a complete crap shoot. How long do you roll the dice?

I know if I did not have a job, I really would not know what to do with myself. I haven’t defined myself enough outside of work to really know who I am. I have little moments, little glimpses into who I could be, but nothing ever really concrete, nothing secure. Nevertheless, I dream about the day I no longer have to work. At this point in time, though, I think I would be a disaster if I didn’t work.

Who would you be if you no longer worked, or if you stay at home with the children, who would you be if your children left the nest? How do we figure out who we are?

Just 72 hours ago, I caved and joined Facebook. Almost immediately, the friend requests came pouring in, and people sent me trees and farm animals from Farm Town and invites to join their Mafia Wars and Vampire Guilds. I scoured through my high school class and even Lima Christian to see who was up to what. I found people I hadn’t thought of in years.

Then I discovered I could chat with people and write on their walls! Oh fun and joy! Whenever I log on, there is always at least one other friend on Facebook at the same time.

I’ve been a bit of a bad employee today. The siren call of Facebook is hard to resist when I’m sitting here all by myself at work with nothing to do. I actually forced myself to log out because I was getting sucked into playing all these Facebook games as I attended to all the different requests coming in.

I popped over to CNN’s website and what do I see? An appropriately timed article titled, “5 Clues You are Addicted to Facebook.” At the end was a link to a test to uncover your addiction level to Facebook. So I took the test to find out. You can take it, too, by going here.

And yay! I am NOT a Facebook Loser. I scored a 32 – which puts me in the “You obviously enjoy using Facebook and it is most likely an important part of your life, but it is probably not controlling you” category.

I will give myself the benefit of the doubt and say my Facebook fascination is mostly because it’s so new to me. It will die down over time.

It’s been fun and kind of bittersweet finding all these people from past lives. And I think the popularity of Facebook has proven that just about everyone wonders, “I wonder whatever happened to so-and-so…” It sure is nice to know someone has thought of you! Someone you haven’t seen or thought of in years could be thinking of you right now. And isn’t that what humanity is all about – connecting?

Yesterday, after awaking from a completely yummy 2-hour nap, Stefan and I decided to watch some television. I can’t even remember the last time we actually watched tv. If we do get around to turning on the tv, it’s usually to watch a movie or pop in a DVD of Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond or King of Queens.

Somehow or another, we ended up on VH1, watching Rock of Love, which basically is this not-so-reality show depicting Brett Michael’s quest to find the woman of his dreams – the woman who will faithfully wait in the wings for him during his tours and parties, completely and utterly secure knowing that he picked her and their love will endure anything. Now, I totally get what his intent is. Even rock stars need love. It must be awful trying to find someone who truly loves you, and not your money or your fame or your publicity. I get it. I am truly grateful that Stefan and I found each other before that happened to one or both of us. Because of who we are, we don’t have the same trust issues most people would have in such situations.

After Brett Michaels had chosen his newest bride (the selected woman from the first and second season ended up not being able to handle his lifestyle), there was a Rock of Love Reunion show, where the studio rounded up all the losing contestants, stuck them in a room together, and then re-hashed the dirtier bits of the show.

At one point, the host asked that the “Blonde Tourage” come up to the stage for a few minutes. Three women stepped forth and sat down on stage. And here is where I have to use the term “woman” loosely. Their hair was fluffed and primped and bleached, lips and boobs were more silicone than flesh, and they truly looked more like “things” than human beings. One of them I couldn’t stop staring at, not because she was beautiful, but because she resembled a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong. She had an asian-hispanic face, and was wearing this hideous baby-doll dress that made her look like a dressed-up frog. Then her hair was something in a class all its own. It was as long as her dress, completely bleached and the lower third was a mass of frizzy curls. She had entirely too much hair. Much too much hair. She looked like an unshaved poodle that had an unfortunate encounter with an electrical socket. And then, horror of horrors, the dressed-up frog-poodle spoke.

As I shamelessly stared, I couldn’t help but think over and over again, “These things walk and talk and breathe? This actually exists??? But, but – how??”

There is entertainment value to be had, of course, and watching this show was like indulging in junk food for the mind. The sad thing is, it’s not the only show of its kind. There are many, many, many other shows like this. It’s like along with the advent of fast-food restaurants came the advent of fast-food for the brain. And just like fast-food, it is prevalent, accessible, seemingly everywhere on every corner, and it’s making us fat, lazy, and the laughingstock of the rest of the world. Had I lived in a different country and got this channel there and saw this show, I would have thought Americans are the stupidest people on the planet, completely ungrateful for what they have, and more than blissfully ignorant of their surroundings.

No wonder the world hates us.

I stumbled across this website called My Budget 360 and at first it was cool and exciting, because it has so many articles with charts and graphs and numbers about the current economic crisis and what led up to it.

But as I continued to read the doom and gloom and their forecast of seeing unemployment at 19% by the end of the year and how the government is actually trying to destroy the dollar, I started feeling queasy.

I didn’t read about any help for the middle class, which I’d lump us into that category. And we’ve been working so hard over the last year to pay things off and now Stefan’s job is going away and the job market here is seriously in the toilet. We’ve made great headway and had planned to pay the rest of what we owe off this year, but now we’re scrambling to find a way just to pay our bills.

We already don’t go anywhere. We already don’t have luxuries. I don’t really know what else we can cut back on. We’re going to keep looking for ways. I think I’m just tired of this fight and I’m feeling all whiny and sorry for myself. I want to be able to pay my bills. But what happens if we can pull it out of our ass while he’s got unemployment only to have to default when it’s gone? I don’t want to default, but I also dislike feeling like I’m fighting a losing battle. As soon as I admit I’m fighting a losing battle and I give up and say “Eff them. I’m not paying them because we’ll just default later,” that’s when I officially give up hope. That’s when I know I’ve lost my bright cheery optimism for the future. I’ll have lost faith.

And if I hear one more person say, “Don’t worry so much! Relax, it’s not that bad!” I think I might punch them in the face. Because it IS that bad. And I don’t care that I’m in an already overloaded boat with millions of people in the same situation. I don’t want to ride this ride. I feel like the ones who actually try are the ones who are getting screwed.

I really, really need to learn to stay away from sites like this one because all it does is bring out my negative energy, and I certainly don’t need any of that! I need to pump myself up on good news and stories of perseverance. Deep, deep down inside, I know we’ll be okay. One way or another, we’ll be okay. And I’ll keep looking for that door that just hasn’t opened yet. I need to keep the faith, keep holding on, keep doing the right things.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

We filed our taxes on Monday. In the end, we owed $5,171. We put in an application for an installment loan program with the IRS. They now have electronic access to our checking account. We sent them a check for $1,000, so now we only owe $4,171. We’re getting $116 back from the state.

Now, the weird thing is, over the weekend, I had this vision or a feeling that a check for $5,000 was going to come in the mail on Monday. It was just a weird feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it, not even Stefan. It seemed so fanciful and wishful and hopeful and completely ridiculous.

Later Monday afternoon, I noticed the flag on the mailbox was down. Our check to the IRS was officially on its way. I went to the store and came back. Normally, that’s when I check the mail, but I was feeling so down about things and it was all cloudy and rainy that I decided to skip checking it. We’d been through enough that day.

Tuesday I came home and checked the mail as usual. Lo and behold, there was a letter and in that letter was a check for $5,000. We sat down and cried. It came from the most unlikely source and it was so out of character and completely unexpected. I’ve been riding an emotional roller-coaster ever since. There was no way this person could have known they’d sent us a check for the exact amount we needed to cover our taxes. Nor was there any reason for them to send us anything at all. All I was told was to pay it forward.

We are still facing one of the most financially scary times of our lives. We still don’t have “official” word about Stefan’s job, but we know the date. There are still things we can do to better prepare ourselves. One of those things is refinancing the house. For some reason, although we’ve been batting the idea around for a couple of months, we haven’t done it. I just get this feeling that we won’t be in this house for much longer and refinancing could end up being a mistake. I don’t know how and I don’t know why and I’m kind of afraid of even putting it out there, like I might jinx it or something.

I hope I didn’t jinx it.

We are unofficially preparing for Stefan’s unofficial lay-off at the end of the month. Last night, we had an unofficial conversation about what our unofficial plan will be.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 4 months, is that I can’t worry the way I’m used to. I just can’t do it anymore. Whatever happens will happen, no matter what I do. The only thing I can do is manage what happens afterwards.

The other “nice” thing that has come out of this is that we have re-analyzed our finances and are constantly coming up with new ways to save money. I have become a coupon clipping queen, and I shop the online grocery store ads to see who has the best deals that week. We’ve dusted off our Sam’s Club card and have begun using it again.

I’ve needed some new jeans for quite a while now. I could kick myself because over the summer, I donated several bags of clothes to Goodwill. They were full of clothes I had been holding onto for about 3 years, hoping I’d lose enough weight to wear them again. Finally, I admitted defeat and I got rid of them. If it hadn’t happened yet, it probably wasn’t going to. Well. Now I’m 21 pounds lighter and my pants are literally falling off me. I could probably fit into all those clothes I just got rid of. Argh!!! Didn’t see that one coming!

Fortunately, I’ve been finding some great deals on Ebay. It seems the only jeans that fit right are Gap jeans, and they are typically $60 a pop. Ouch. So I looked on Ebay and found brand new with tags on Gap jeans, same style that I know fits me for half that price. I found some that were even less. Yay me!

Meanwhile, I went to get into my car after work yesterday and noticed a crack in the windshield. It’s either a crack or a scratch. I can’t really tell. It follows the same arc as the windshield wipers. I called the dealership and the salesman said I’d probably have to file an insurance claim because apparently windshield issues are the only thing not covered in the super-duper mega warranty. Pisser. I wouldn’t let him off the phone, I made myself sound really disappointed and I went on and on about how I thought it was a stress fracture and how no stone hit the windshield, and it wasn’t there in the morning, but was when I came out that afternoon, so he checked with the service guys and said if I brought in the car, they could probably fix it for free for me. I plan on using my girl power to make sure this does happen! Sometimes it’s really advantageous to be a girl.

I normally do not pull the girl card, but I will if I sense a weakness. I sense weakness in this case. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to ask to see exactly what is covered under that warranty. Line by line. They should have provided that to me anyway. That’s something that bothers me. They showed me this fancy-schmancy line by line thing when I signed the papers, but didn’t bother to make a copy of it for my records.